Rare Bits

To Whom It May Concern:

Look, I know why you guys dropped most of your Saturday Morning cartoons. I get it. Parents hate it when you shill toys, crappy animation looks worse when you can get your hands on the good-stuff via home video and dvd, and cable had to go and ruin the party with entire networks devoted to recycling what you’ve already created. Yeah, all of that really sucks for you. But you’re not trying hard enough. This is about more than just cartoons airing in a specific block of time – it’s about ritual. Kids these days just don’t have enough of it in their lives. When you can get whatever you want whenever you want, Christmas specials mean nothing. And when was the last time you saw a movie on network TV? How can you deny children all of the bizarre non-sequitors used to replace the word shit in awesomely censored action movies? Huh? This is where you start. New saturday morning cartoons that ONLY air on saturday, and don’t get repackaged as dvds until this generation is old enough to pay good money to recapture their youth. Force those little fuckers to sit in front of the TV when you say so.

Of course it’s not going to be easy, but you know you’ve got the money — go lobby congress to get all of those stupid FCC mandated educational programming requirements dropped — then you can go back to airing some badass twenty-minute toy commercials. Do you know who introduced me to the concept of death? You did, when you started killing off the characters I loved so you could make me buy new toys. Or more accurately, badger my mom to spend some of her welfare check on new toys for me. This is important stuff. Do your duty. Children are the future, remember? What will this generation do without their version of Little Rosey?

In case you forgot about this gem, it is in fact a cartoon starring an adorably chibi-fied Roseanne, Extolling the virtues of imagination. You used to inappropriately market cartoon versions of adult properties to children all the time. You want a list? Alright, what about Rambo? What about Robocop? Those are some pretty bloody damn movies to be adapted into kids cartoons, although I’m sure the social satire elements of Robocop would really appeal to the under tens. Yeah, adapting action-orented stuff is pretty easy – just take out all the blood and add a villain with some sort of bird theme or whatever. But Life with Louie? You gave Louie Anderson a cartoon show? “Wait, wait! Richard Pryor just set himself on fire while he was coked out of his mind — Let’s give him a live action saturday morning show!”

I guess what I’m trying to say is, with a solid venue and a suitable lack of government oversight, it’s possible to sell anything to children. They’re pretty dumb. You’ve got to make more shows for them that’ll make them say WTF when they’re nearly thirty and writing a snarky article on a blog as a lightly veiled excuse to draw some goofy shit they thought up while drinking beer in the shower.

Still don’t get it? Let me give you some examples. Feel free to use these ideas! Just pay me when you do.

Aliens Vs. Predator Babies:

See, now this is some dark shit. But wait – no it’s NOT! Welcome to the intergalactic nursery of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, where a cute little girl predator named ClckTk”Rattle”Rattle”Spit has all kinds of adventures in the bowels of a military starship with a nameless facehugger who’s always trying to lay it’s wacky eggs inside of the ships inhabitants! They’re watched over by a colonial space marine named Manny, but you never get to see him above the waist! What a hoot! For ages 3-6.

Teen Jeeves

What kid doesn’t love verbal wordplay and biting indictments of a lazy and inbred aristocratic class? I know I couldn’t get enough when I was a lad. Now kids today can get a healthy dose of Wodehousian prose with “Teen Jeeves”, a new cartoon show about a teenaged know-it-all valet and his bumbling baby master! Jeeves has to navigate the twin waters of high school intrigue and diaper changing without losing his unflappable cool. Kids will laugh their “arses” off as Baby Bertie tweaks Jeeves’ highly cultivated sensibilities with his garish wardrobe choices and inability to use a big-boy cup. For ages 5-8.

You see? Pure gold. Get on it.

Sincerely,

Jason Week