Many people don’t realize this, but I’m a bit of an amateur naturalist. You can often find me — palm frond in hand, pith helmet jauntily angled upon my pate — laying in wait along some deserted stretch of highway, crouching, coiled like a limp bedspring. Waiting. Waiting for what you ask? Why, Porcupines of course! Unlike certain other species that I shall refrain from maligning-even though they may deserve it (I’m talking about you, Yeti Crab), the noble Porcupine has never let me down, even though they are all alcoholics. So here you go -

Six LIES About Porcupines That Are Not True.

1. In turn of the century Canada, sheep were in fact quite rare. Thusly, condoms had to be made from the skins of the Porcupine. Of course, this led to a stiff decline in the birthrate, with some historians going so far as to say the porcu-phylactic caused the downfall of the Third Great Canadian Empire.
2. Never introduce a Porcupine to your lover. Porcupines live to sew dissension among otherwise happy couples. They are watching you through your windows. They know you don’t do enough dishes.
3. Porcupine is Sumerian for “Nettle Pig”.
4. An age old war has been raging for eons between the Porcupines and the Sea Urchins. Both claim the title of “Nature’s Pokiest Animal.” Thankfully, skirmishes are rare…except on the coasts.
5. Porcupines are filled with a grape-like drink rather than blood. Go ahead, lick one. They taste amazing.
6. If a porcupine mistakenly made love to a pineapple, the offspring would be the size of a bus, just like a liger. Strangely enough, it would have a silky coat like a mink that shampoos with Pantene. Poky is a double-recessive gene. Sort of like how two wrongs make a right.

1 FACT About Porcupines ( I Think…My Memory Is Hazy. )

1. My step dad totally shot a porcupine, like, twenty times with a pellet gun this one time. I think it got into our car engine when we were camping. Either it lived, or died a horrible death. I can’t really remember which.

(All of this is crap. I just had to draw a lot of Porcupines for a job, and decided to recycle some art. Then I drew something new.)

(Oh well.)

Later,

Jason