Oh shit…

Dear god no.

When I first came up with the idea for this series, Twilight was the first thing that popped into mind as the ultimate example. I bag on it constantly. I had never read the book, and never seen either of the movies. Yet somehow I’ve managed to wax eloquently on it’s shortcomings ever since I first saw it mentioned on facebook flair. I know the gist of the thing – sparkly vampires, misogyny, mormonism – but is it alright to really hate something you’ve never read? Probably. But I’m a guilty man, and this allows my conscience to sleep at night with the rest of me. Which generally sleeps pretty well. Keep in mind, this is coming at you in segments spaced out by my ability to actually read the book.

So far I’ve made it through two chapters.

I guess it’s not as bad as I expected. But then again, there hasn’t really been any sparkling or staring as of yet. What it is so far, is a pretty aggressively mediocre book. The writing is bland, but clear and serviceable. The characters are, well – boring. But they’re not annoying to the point of angering me. Well, Bella’s getting pretty close. I’m a bit too old to enjoy reading about such a petulant, arrogant teenage girl. She’s somehow simultaneously self-depricating and superior, sharply intelligent and stupidly unaware.

Actually, so far Bella Swan is basically the equivalent of literary astrology. She a big bag of good qualities every teenage girl would like to be, a few manageable negative ones, and nothing unique or specific enough to keep her from being a mask for the reader to wear and say “she’s just like me!” Hell, even I can put myself in her place. I’m clutzy. I’m smart. Unfortunately, I like snow and rain, so the similarities end there – because all she ever does is complain about the weather.

On the other hand, Edward Cullen is basically an Edwardian stereotype filtered the hot-gentleman-jerk lens. Well, at least that’s how I read him in the two pages out of fifty that’s he’s actually said something. I’m finding myself motivated to read more just because so little information has been given out so far. I want to read about sparkles, and anti-feminist ramblings and all the things I hear everyone talking about, but so far it’s just a medium boring book about how much rain sucks and old trucks rule.

Which I guess is a positive thing for me to say about twilight.

I’ll keep you posted.

Left: How I picture Edward Cullen for maximum erotic effect. Right: Casting directors – you're doing it wrong.

Choice Quotes and Idle Observations:

Twilight’s equivalent to a joke: “I never looked a gift truck in the mouth — or engine.”

Bella describing the vampire kids when she first see them during lunch: “They were faces you never expected to see except perhaps on the airbrushed pages of a fashion magazine. Or painted by an old master as the face of an angel.” Does anyone else see the dissonance in lumping these two examples together? Anyway you slice it, these are the kinds of comments that make me dislike Bella.

Deviation into mixed unnecessary metaphors: “Last night I’d discovered that Charlie couldn’t cook much besides fried eggs and bacon. So I requested that I be assigned kitchen detail for the duration of my stay. He was willing enough to hand over the keys to the banquet hall.”

Bella on snow: “Sure it was drier than rain — until it melted in your socks.” My dear, I’m afraid that if you’re stuffing snow in your socks, you have bigger problems than the weather.

The science teacher’s name is Mr. Banner. I keep hoping for him to get angry about being in this book, hulk-out, and smash all the annoying teenagers to goo.

-JasonShare/Bookmark

Really, Harper Collins? Really? Did you think this classic piece of literature wouldn’t sell without a shoutout from two modern fictional characters?Really? This little gem comes to us from the good people at ToplessRobot.comShare/Bookmark